Which brings me to the BaseBall Writers Association of America - sports' version of the Foreign Press corps, which yesterday elected David Ortiz and nobody else to the so-called "Hall of Fame" in Cooperstown.
First, I have no issue with honoring Big Papi. Over the years, Ortiz killed us, and sportswriters value nothing more highly than Yankee torture. I still suffer PTSD from the mere thought of Papi coming up in the late innings. He deserves the honor. It's worth it, just to know he can never hurt me - ever again.
But the writers snubbed Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens, by far two of the greatest players in our lifetimes, apparently due to some morality judgement that these giants of righteousness have chosen to impose. It's surely the charges of performance enhancing drugs - claims that rippled all around baseball in that era - and it's worth noting that Big Papi had his own questionable test results of glowing urine. Thus, the writers hold Bonds and Clemens accountable but drop their concerns with Ortiz? That's ridiculous. No, it's offensive.
What sucks here is that these guys - most are old, white guys - are imposing personal morality judgements in a sport that, for generations, rated great players by performance. If you want assholes, look no farther than the plaques in Cooperstown. Babe Ruth was a wild man. Ty Cobb was a monster. From Grover Cleveland's alcoholism to Wade Boggs' sex addiction, the Hall of Fame is a cavalcade of great players and lousy human beings - hailed and assembled by writers who, in many cases, had questionable personal issues of their own.
I say we should pool our money and buy storefront property in Cooperstown, preferably within spitting distance of you-know-what. We'll open The People's Hall - a place dedicated to great players who, due to personal issues with writers, have been swept into a memory hole.
They include:
Roger Clemens
Barry Bonds
Alex Rodriguez
Don Mattingly
Bernie Williams
Sammy Sosa
Mark McGwire
Rafael Palmeiro
Lou Whitaker
Shoeless Joe Jackson
Curt Schilling
Dick Allen
Roger Maris
Thurman Munson
Tommy John
Luis Tiant
Andy Pettite
Jimmy Key
Dan Quisenberry
Billy Wagner
Sparky Lyle
Bartolo Colon
and of course, Pete Rose.
Listen: You might not like some of these guys, and you could quarrel over career stats of a few. But each devoted his career to not only to the game of baseball but to its fans. These guys deserve more than to be drop-kicked out the backdoor because they didn't talk to writers after a shellacking, or they succumbed to drugs or booze to handle pressures the rest of us cannot begin to imagine.
Hooray for David Ortiz. And fuck the Hall of Fame.
It's time to start an alternative, and - you know what? - it doesn't even need to be in Cooperstown. How about Solvay!